Life and Its Twists and Turns

It's amazing where life can take you. Sometimes it's good. Sometimes it's bad. Sometimes it's so confusing you don't know how to feel and the only choice you have is to go with the flow. For example: Could you believe that 7 months ago, my mom was still doing chemo? That 7 months ago, my mom had no hair. Seven months ago, my sister was a senior in college. A little over seven months ago, I had just started losing weight. The purpose of this post is to clue people in on how important it is to live your life to the fullest without compromising your morals or hurting people along the way.

My mom has been "inflated" to the point she's pretty happy. As a matter of fact, her boobs look better than mine. LOL. She's been in remission since June 7th. She was one of the lucky ones. I thought it was no big deal and so what it had already spread to her lymph nodes, the doctors would fix it and they did. Then, a good friend of mine's girlfriend was diagnosed with lung cancer around 3-4 months ago. Three weeks ago, they gave her 4-6 weeks to live. She passed last Monday, August 30th. That's how fast it spread. Wanna know how they found out about it? Her hips started hurting. She went to the doctor for hip pain she just couldn't shake. They found a mass on her lungs and determined it had already spread to her bones (which was causing the hip pain)...the rest is history. She was the same age as my mom.

I have moved in with my parents since the divorce. For some reason, the emotional stress is hitting Scott and I harder now than it did from about that week before the divorce was final until it actually was final June 1st. We're pretty good friends. It seems to be easier for him to find someone worth it to take his mind off of everything. He works in a bar and keeps himself busy. I try to keep myself busy, but it sucks to hear some of the things he tells me. I'm so picky. If they've burnt the bridge in the past, forget it. If they've already lied to me, even if it was trivial, forget about it. If they've disrespected me, I don't think so. If they've tried to compete with Scott for some stupid reason, DEFINITELY FORGET ABOUT IT...they can't be themselves if they're trying to be Scott. The guys I could even begin to have an inkling of an interest for are either taken or supposedly so screwed up they can't see a great thing in front of them if I hit 'em with a ten ton brick. Then there's those arrogant guys who insist they're just "confident" - "God's gift to women," "Ladies men,"...more like MANWHORES with Napoleon Complexes...I'd say they have Little Man's Syndrome, but I wouldn't touch any of them with someone else's 10-foot pole to figure out if it were true or not.

The good news is, I've started my own business. Orb Clothing - Apparel Printing. I've even got a group page on Facebook. It's keeping me pretty busy during the week, which is probably a good thing since the rumor is the Whiteland VFW is about to shut down. I love bartending. It's my calling and I'm DAMN good at it too! In the meantime, if y'all hear of an opening, let me know. Those of you that know me, know there's no chance in Hell I'd let ya down.

I lost some more weight too. 70 pounds in about 8 months or so...35 inches body-wide...I weighed 200 lbs when I started going through all this shit. Well, I stopped weighing myself at 200 lbs because I couldn't handle it anymore. Currently, I weight 130 lbs and I feel like a million dollars, physically. Now catching up the mental part is the toughest. I was looking at pictures of Raigen on my mom's Facebook page tonight from two Easter's ago. I started bawling. I remember being too tired and hurting all over from trying to help Raigen with her first Easter egg hunt. I remember being at home and just wanting to take naps. I remember not having the energy to take her outside and play. The pool videos are the only videos I have of her when she was a baby and I had to force myself to drink 6 cups of coffee and take my pain meds from a tooth ache I'd had earlier that week to get the energy up to take her outside and play with her. I worked with her inside a lot, I guess. We did puzzles together when she was barely a year old. We had a lot of craft times. She new most of her colors by the time she was a year old and her shapes by the time she hit 14 months old. I have flash cards for everything and when I can't work with her personally, Leap Frog toys are a God-send. I just feel like I hindered her in some way because I was so freaking fat. I was disgusting. I couldn't take RJ on a walk without being out of breath. I always had heart burn. My stomach always hurt. I was miserable. I'm ecstatic I made my goals, but it gets offensive when people tell me now I'm too skinny. They didn't feel like they missed the entire beginning of their only daughter's childhood because they were too fat and lazy to even take care of themselves. Want proof? Check out either mine or my mom's Facebook pics and videos...

I am proud of what I've done. I've started a new life, possibly a better one. I've got my own business. I have friends and one of them, I haven't seen in almost 10 years yet it seems like we never missed a beat. Raigen is about to turn three years old on October 4th. My sister gets old on October 28th. My best gf's bday is November 20th and about 90% of the people I know will forget my birthday because of all the commotion with it being on Thanksgiving this year...maybe it'll be Scott's holiday to have RJ and I can just get wasted...damn Turkeys...

My heart does go out to my sister. I think she may be just as confused as I am, but for a different situation. She needs a job, but doesn't know what to do. I know about art, but not as extensively as she does to be able to help her. She wants to stay close to all of us, but she misses her boyfriend in Evansville. She doesn't get to see him much now that she's graduated - she got her diploma in the mail today! - and I am sure all of this is really hard on her. She even came into my room tonight to try to get some answers outta me to see what she should do. I'm stumped for her...and that RARELY happens to me. It also doesn't help her dog got put to sleep.

I know life works out the way it should, I just wish I could get out a little more, yet I want to work and make money so I can get my own place with more privacy and quietness and do things they way I wanna do 'em. The only way for me to do that, is to find a BETTER bartending job. The only way to do that, is to find the time to go looking for one. Maybe next week I'll get the chance. So far, I don't have any Orb orders to fill...or, who knows, maybe Orb will take off enough I can get my clothing line out there sooner than expected...as long as my Little Red is taken care of and I'm mostly happy where I am at, life could definitely be worse!